"Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe"- TimThis epic line pretty much sums up Project Runway's latest episode where the uninspiring designers had to create a classic American sportswear look using late fashion icon Jacqueline Kennedy as inspiration (can't we just call her Jackie O?). So how hard can it be to create a look that speaks quality, taste, style, and sophistication? Apparently very, especially when the designers thought Tim said 'Cheap and Ugly' instead of
'Jackie Kennedy.'
Back in the workroom we are forced to listen as Gretchen waxes unpoetic over Mondo's fabulous fabric. But that isn't the worst part. Looking around I'm seeing oversize draped cargo pants, zebra stripes, uninspired looking cocktail dresses, and something white and blah from Ivy. And I couldn't help but wonder, how on earth will Jackie Kennedy's spirit decide which designer to haunt first?
Then Tim makes a big announcement: Create an additional Outerwear item to go with the original garment. Well that means more ugly in the workroom and another trip to MOOD. Cue to Gretchen grabbing Michael C's fabric right out of his hand and she's once again confirmed as resident evil. Back in the workroom Mondo feels like Harry Potter and Michael C is scrapping his 12th garment, to which Tim says "Egads." Also I love Tim's appreciation of Christopher's look: "The dress is so form-fitting it looks kind of anemic."
The best part about this episode? Discovering that Mondo is actually an elf. He's wearing tiny black pinstripe shorts with suspenders, cummerbund, and houndstooth check knee socks. And lots of freaky eyeliner...Then it's officially Runway time and guest judge is actress January Jones. A note to the silly producers: This actress may wear 1960's costumes on her show Mad Men but she doesn't actually have any real relevant fashion opinions.
My thoughts on the utterly unrelated Jackie Kennedy looks coming down the runway are best expressed through a soliloquy without pauses and often using the words cheap and ugly:
April's black satin zipped dress looks cheap and ugly, and so is that funereal pillbox hat on her head. Ivy's outfit is black and white and grey all over, but maybe the lesser of many ugly evils on the runway today. PS. That chiffon jacket reminds me of a giant nylon drawstring bag to hold coated almonds that they give out at weddings. Michael C's electric blue draped cocktail dress is actually sexy and lovely, for Anyone Other Than Jackie K. Is that a dead possum on Christopher's model? The dress for the most part is elegant sportswear but the shoulder wrap is plain UGly. Gretchen's disco era style brought us a zebra print ugly length skirt and halter top look, it felt cheap and embodied the spirit of Someone Other Than Jackie. Valerie's 'Brass Plum ca. 1992' dark burgundy top and black stretch skirt paired with a black zipped vest jacket was offensive, horrendous, ugly, cheap, and sad, and it sent me into a dark depression. Pass the xanax, honey better be going home this week. Andy (and his ever-changing mohawk coif) channels Rei Kawakubo and designs a camel toe-inducing curtain draped cargo pant along with ill-fitting slinky top and cheap ugly vest that even Christina Aguilera wouldn't wear, never mind Jackie K. What part of 'classic American' sportswear didn't Andy get? In fact Heidi flipped her mop-topped lid, and I've never seen this much smoke coming out of Michael Kors' ears. Michael D's design may channel 'Little White House on the Ugly' with that cheap looking layered tank top and sad looking drop-waist pleated skirt, but at least I could look at it without being repulsed. It was actually kinda cute and an outfit you might put together in the Junior section of Nordstrom. It was, in Michael Kors' words, "insulting". And Hallelujah!! Mondo's outfit was the only one that actually had anything to do with Jackie Kennedy. It was modern but clearly inspired in the right place. I loved the striped top, and the large-houndstooth check skirt was perfectly chic and stylish. Something I actually enjoyed looking at without vomiting a bit in my mouth. Contemporary Jackie Barbie achieved!
The winner of this week's challenge? Mondo of course. Glad the judges got that one right.
Who's going home? Well if it was up to me it would be Valerie for depressing the hell out of me, but it's up to Heidi, Nina, and Michael (and some useless thespianic opinion with zero fashion sense) so Michael Drummond is OUT...
Auf weederzane designers and stay tuned for next week's brand of ugly!...
Main image source: jenfitchstyle,
mylifetime.com