This has taken me a few days to write and with my wise friend Tamara’s advice that you should always wait 3 days before sending a sensitive letter to someone.....after days of cooking, here is my sensitive letter to you all.
So for my news....
And to all my close friends who don’t know any of this, yet, I am so sorry that I couldn’t tell you in person, but I had to wait and tell everyone this way, because I didn’t want to have anyone mention it on facebook or something before I had a chance to tell everyone.
I am expecting a precious little baby.
This was not something I planned, but I am very excited about this new little baby on the way. As you probably know....I have been dating someone for a while now; we've known each other for many years.
I know that God knew this little one would be here long before I did, and that He already has wonderful plans for this precious little life with dreams, hopes, and a little personality all their own.
I’m not condoning my actions, but I know that I am forgiven because I asked God to forgive me. My family is understanding, loving and totally supportive. My kids are all so excited! Everyone has the potential to make mistakes in life and because of the greatest gift God has given mankind, we can be forgiven. Grace and mercy are more wonderful than can be put in words.
On the other hand, this truly breaks my heart that I would be an example of what “not-to-do”, but if this reaches one girl and shows her how to avoid the mistake that I have made, I will be glad. If this reaches one girl who needs to be encouraged to be strong and do the right thing, protecting your heart from the pain I’ve had to go through, I will be so glad.
Save yourself for marriage. This is not to sound like, “do what I say not as I do”, but to say, “please, please don’t do what I’ve done and please let what I say encourage you to do the right thing”.
Sometimes we are seeking to be loved and to feel wanted and we find ourselves standing on that doorway of having sex, and in one moment of giving in you can forever change the course of your life and a child’s life . By having sex, you don’t win the guys affection, you loose that guard over your heart, you loose the control over your emotions, you’ve given a gift to someone who should have made a promise to be with you forever in a form of a promise before God in marriage, not to someone who says, “yes I love you, you mean the world to me”, and some months later they want to break up with you or you find out they cheated on you. Then you are left with all this horrible emotional baggage to sort out. Most important, guard your heart, guard your love, and please no matter how hard it gets, guard your decisions.
In one second I didn’t guard my decisions, and I knew it wasn’t the right way. Sometimes we may know it’s not right, but we do it anyway. Don’t open the door to let crazy emotions about a guy start taking over your brain and then your life.
Years ago, I thought I was so in love in high school, and I know it changed what my future could have been. I gave up a lot of things because I got all love-crazy over a guy. Love should never make you feel “love crazy”, it should just add to your already wonderful life. I gave up things like going after my career in modeling to get married and move away with my “new” 18 year old husband. I remember my agent at my modeling agency tell me, “ You are going to throw your modeling career away if you do this!”....and he was right. As I sat, 17 years old, in my hot, dark, tiny apartment in Phoenix, with no money or friends, and this “husband” who said he couldn’t live without me, but now only wanted to be with his friends...I realized...this was a big mistake. If I had just dated him and said, “you know what, you don’t get to have the gift I’m saving for the man that promises to give me his life in marriage”, my heart never would have been opened to that place of hurt and seeking more of his love, and I would’ve said, “No way buddy, I’ve got a huge future ahead of me. That saying about food, “No food tastes as good as it feels to fit into your skinny jeans”...well, “No sex feels as good as it feels to have control over your heart, your life, your emotions, and have an awesome future ahead!”
I want to speak to all the girls who write me and have written me saying that they are pregnant, and that no one is in support of you, maybe the father wants nothing to do with you or the baby...please know that more love than you can ever imagine is growing inside you. I was scared and worried, worried about what my family, friends, and people would think, especially now that I have a lot more people than normal that see what I’m doing in my life, but I knew I should never make a decision based out of fear. It doesn’t matter how scared you are or how much you think you’ve messed things up, sometimes our greatest experiences come from things we didn’t expect. God can cause the most beautiful things to grow from a big mess of manure we think we piled up in our lives! I got married very young the first time and got pregnant with my Jordan after 6 months of being married. Even thought we were not in an ideal situation to have a baby and my marriage turned out to be very disastrous, my baby was the highlight and little angel from heaven that filled my heart with greater joy than I had ever known.
I pray that you all can take away form this, that I am human, I’ve made mistakes. I am not a perfect character from a movie, or someone that tries to hide my mistakes and pretend that I am perfect. And I’ve made real mistakes and I hope so much, that me being so open and honest with you will let you see how hard it is to face these mistakes. I will continue to learn from my mistakes and I truly pray that my mistakes can save you heartache as you learn from mine.
One mistake doesn't need to turn into two mistakes....I won't ever judge someone who's had an abortion, but I have seen the lifelong pain that can result from them. Sometimes it’s hard when we are scared of the unknown one could think that an abortion is a solution, but what you truly think you are saving yourself from, could be the very thing that will save and change your life. I have a friend who was raped, and she never once thought of having an abortion, and that baby has brought her greater love than she has ever felt, that baby has healed her heart more than any counseling or man could ever attempt. God sent me my Jordan to fill my life with so much joy and love, he was my reason for smiling everyday!
My dear friend, Tamara told me, "She who has beheld the face of God should never fear the face of man"....this beauty spoke to my heart. We should never live in fear of the judgement of others, the only one who counts is God and his mercy and forgiveness are always waiting there.
The internet allows for more ridicule than I've ever experienced in my life...it allows for people, writers, bloggers, newspapers to make up things that aren't true, take bits and pieces and twist things into "facts"...and for anyone to release their hateful, hurtful words however they like. They don’t realize how many people they hurt when they disparage others like this.
I ask that before anyone decides to leave me a judgmental comment, that they’d think about what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes first. No one has lived a perfect life, we have all made mistakes. There is a wise book that says, “only you who are without any sin (which could be as little as a lie you told, a rude thing you said, or angry thought you had in your mind) shall cast the first stone. We will be judged in the same way we have judged others and shouldn’t we aspire to treat others as we would want to be treated. What if we all showed each other grace in this life we have so little time to live. If we all got what we “deserved”, for all our bad thoughts, unkind comments, dishonesty, selfishness, and bad choices...well, we’d all be in pretty bad shape.
Please know, that I am excited about this baby, every life is a blessing and I can't wait to show you this little precious one when he or she arrives in January. (My post Christmas present!)
I probably won't post too much more about this on my blog here...but I will on my other, more non-make-up, personal blog www.kandeeland.com.
huge love, your imperfect friend and excited friend, kandee